Jokes Thread

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Edit: Removed. Come to think of it I might get banned for that type of thing...
 

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[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5KYQj0-Is98"]YouTube - The Muppets Band: Devil went down to jamaica[/ame]
 

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35MB fios
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman
may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of
the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may
choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next
floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor
the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with
Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign
reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store
just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
tongue.gif
 

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Home Built
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4 GB
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My Computer

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Wally, Innc.
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Windows 7 x64 finally!
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Biostar TA790GX XE
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OCZ Platinum 4GB DDR2 1066 (will not work past 800MHz)
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Athena Power Micro ATX 400W
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HEC 6T 6T10BB Black MicroATX Mini Tower
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stock
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wired, many keys
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HP wireless, 2 buttons, 1 wheel
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DSL 2Mb (recently getting 1.65M!)
465?
 

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Wally, Innc.
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MSI R4670-MD1G Radeon HD 4670 1GB 128-bit GDDR3
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ATI High Definition Audio Device Realtek ALC888
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HP w19e
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Western Digital Caviar Green WD5000AADS 500GB SATA
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Athena Power Micro ATX 400W
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HEC 6T 6T10BB Black MicroATX Mini Tower
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stock
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wired, many keys
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HP wireless, 2 buttons, 1 wheel
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I can't wait much longer Ant.
Why do doctors slap babies on the bottom when they are born? I can think of several reasons but doctors often have their own agendas.
Also a joke that may well be too sick to post:-

What's pink and stiff and scares women?:shock:
 

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The Monolith. 3.1
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i7 [email protected]
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none-through large stereo hi fi
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1x Samsung 840Pro 128GB SSD
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Why do doctors slap babies on the bottom when they are born?

Knock the, ahem, "external hydraulics" off the dumb ones?
 

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Intel, Intel, Asus
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8G, 3G, 3G
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On-board Intel, On-board nVidia, nVIDIA card
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My Computer

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Gateway, Toshiba Laptop, and Home Brew
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Windows 7 x64 HP, Windows 7 HP, Windows 7 Ult
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Intel I3, Cerelon, Pentium 4 @ 3Ghz
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8G, 3G, 3G
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HELL EXPLAINED

The following is an actual question (allegedly) given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer (allegedly) turned in by a student.


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off Heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell,
let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as Souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more Souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
 

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Home LAN through Linksys hub to 4 port and wireless switch/router. Networked HP 2600n. Wife's computer running Windows 7, and spare laptop running Ubuntu "Karmic Kola" (9.10).

My Computer

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Gateway, Toshiba Laptop, and Home Brew
OS
Windows 7 x64 HP, Windows 7 HP, Windows 7 Ult
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Intel I3, Cerelon, Pentium 4 @ 3Ghz
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Intel, Intel, Asus
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8G, 3G, 3G
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On-board Intel, On-board nVidia, nVIDIA card
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on-board, on-board, SoundBlaster
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Hannspree HF237, Toshiba, SyncMaster 931B
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God and Adam are strolling along the river in the garden of Eden. Adam asks God - "God, why did you make woman?"

"I made woman so that you would be happy."

Adam is pleased and they keep walking along the river. "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"

"I made woman beautiful so that you would love her."

Adam is pleased and they keep walking along the river. "God, if you made woman so that I could be happy, and you made her beautiful so that I would love her, why did you make her so dumb?"

"I had to. Otherwise, she would not love you."
 
God asks Adam, "Where is Eve?"

Adam says, "She's down at the river bathing."

God says.....

(I dare you to finish that, Antman :D)
 

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Intel, Intel, Asus
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8G, 3G, 3G
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On-board Intel, On-board nVidia, nVIDIA card
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on-board, on-board, SoundBlaster
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Hannspree HF237, Toshiba, SyncMaster 931B
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air (all)
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standard wired (all)
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6M down, 768K up
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Home LAN through Linksys hub to 4 port and wireless switch/router. Networked HP 2600n. Wife's computer running Windows 7, and spare laptop running Ubuntu "Karmic Kola" (9.10).

My Computer

Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Gateway, Toshiba Laptop, and Home Brew
OS
Windows 7 x64 HP, Windows 7 HP, Windows 7 Ult
CPU
Intel I3, Cerelon, Pentium 4 @ 3Ghz
Motherboard
Intel, Intel, Asus
Memory
8G, 3G, 3G
Graphics Card(s)
On-board Intel, On-board nVidia, nVIDIA card
Sound Card
on-board, on-board, SoundBlaster
Monitor(s) Displays
Hannspree HF237, Toshiba, SyncMaster 931B
Screen Resolution
default (all)
Hard Drives
1T internal, 320G internal, 160G internal, 1T networked
PSU
300w, unk, 650w
Case
black, black, grey
Cooling
air (all)
Keyboard
standard wired (all)
Mouse
standard wired (all)
Internet Speed
6M down, 768K up
Other Info
Home LAN through Linksys hub to 4 port and wireless switch/router. Networked HP 2600n. Wife's computer running Windows 7, and spare laptop running Ubuntu "Karmic Kola" (9.10).
God told Adam that He would create for Adam a beautiful, warm and loving help mate that would fulfill every earthly desire that a man could want or conceive. God told Adam it would cost him an arm and a leg.

Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
 
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