Jokes Thread

[Perrybucsdad]

Can't make this up, folks. Actual book, actual cover.

No Starch Press: My New Mac, Snow Leopard Edition

(Isn't it cute?)

Very retro... makes me miss my old Mac Plus that got me through undergrad back in the late 80's.

 

[Perrybucsdad]

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law
a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************** **********************

My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?" I replied, "Dust".

And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************** **********************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************** **********************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds. '

I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************** **********************

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our
anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet
appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************** **********************

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started....
************************************************** *********************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. So, I took her to a gas station.

And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************** **********************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************** **********************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************** ************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it. He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************** **********************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight stared......

 

[Joan Archer]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty -- except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me, old man!?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

 

[Kari]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty -- except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me, old man!?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

:roflmao:

That reminds me of my first wife's mother, she could be related to that poor man's wife.

The first wife herself was not so bad, if I didn't make the mistake to speak. The best part of being married to her was our honeymoon. She went to Paris, I to Australia.

 

[sergiogarcia9]

[SIZE=+7] Easter Bunny Jokes [/SIZE]

[SIZE=+2] Q. What do you call a rabbit with fleas? [/SIZE]
A. Bugs Bunny


Q. What does the Easter Rabbit get for making a basket?
A. Two points just like everybody!


Q. Why did the Easter Bunny hide the egg?
A. Because it was a little chicken.


Q. What do you call a dumb bunny?
A. A hare brain.


Q. What's the best way to catch a unique rabbit?
A. You 'nique up on him.


Q. How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A. Tame way, unique up on it.


Q. How many hairs in a rabbit's tail?
A. None, they're all on the outside.


Q. How are rabbits like calculators?
A. They both multiply really fast.


Q. Why can't a rabbit's nose be twelve inches long?
A. Because then it would be a foot.


Q. How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group?
A. Just look for the gray hares.


Q. What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards?
A. A receding hareline.


Q. How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
A. Have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses?


Q. What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a boyscout?
A. A boyscout who helps little old ladies hop across the street.


Q. What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant?
A. An elephant who never forgets to eat his carrots.


Q. How do you know when you're eating rabbit stew?
A. When it has hares in it.


Q. What do you call a rabbit who tells jokes?
A. A funny bunny.


Q. What do you call rabbits that live at the North Pole?
A. Cold.


Q. What do rabbits have that nothing else in the world has?
A. Baby rabbits.


Q. What is a rabbit's favorite dance?
A. The Bunny Hop of course.


Q. What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear?
A. 14 carrot gold.


Q. What kind of book does a rabbit like at bedtime?
A. One with a hoppy ending.


Q. Waitress, what's this hare doing in my soup?
A. Looks like the back stroke.


Q. How do bunnies stay healthy?
A. Eggercise


Q. What do you cal a bunny with a dictionary in his pants?
A. A smarty pants.


Q. What would you call the Easter Bunny if he married a chicken?
A. The first Rabbit to lay and egg.


Q. What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
A. A Hot Cross bunny.


Q. What do you get when you cross a bunny with a spider?
A. A harenet.


Q. What did the bunny say when he only had thistles to eat?
A. Thistle have to do!


Q. Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world?
A. It has 4 rabbits' feet.


Q. How do you get letter to a bunny?
A. Hare mail.


Q. What is the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit banknote?
A. One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny!


Q. What do you get when you cross a bunny with an onion?
A. A bunion.

 

[Perrybucsdad]

Speaking of rabbits... This bear was in the woods taking a dump, and he looks to his right and he sees a bunny rabbit. The bear says "Hi Mr Rabbit", and the bunny says "Hello Mr Bear". The Bear then proceeds to say "Mr Rabbit, does Poop stick to your fur when you take a dump?" And Mr Bunny Rabbit says "No Mr Bear, poop doesn't stick to my fur when I take a dump." So Mr Bear reached over, and whipped his ass with Mr Rabbit and then put him down and went on his way.

 

[mickey megabyte]

two blondes walking into a wood, the first one says, "oh look over there, they’re rabbit tracks."

the other one says, "no, they’re bear tracks."

“no they’re rabbit tracks!”

“no! they’re bear tracks!”

they stood there arguing for a good while, bear, no rabbit, bear, no rabbit................

they were both killed by the train.

 

[sergiogarcia9]

two blondes walking into a wood, the first one says, "oh look over there, they’re rabbit tracks."

the other one says, "no, they’re bear tracks."

“no they’re rabbit tracks!”

“no! they’re bear tracks!”

they stood there arguing for a good while, bear, no rabbit, bear, no rabbit................

they were both killed by the train.

:roflmao:

 

[deanbcurtis]

How does one kill time waiting for Win7 to arrive? Making gaijin yonkoma, I guess.

 

[pacinitaly]

???????????



:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[KCINREBAK]

What is the difference between a cigarette machine and the toronto maple leafs?
The cigarette machine has players

 

[Dunsailing]

I don`t know if this has already been posted. If it has I appologise now.

But it really had me rolling around laughing

emails wrongly addressed can be sooo upsetting

The case of a man who left Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

“Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here.”

 

[Kari]

I don`t know if this has already been posted. If it has I appologise now.

But it really had me rolling around laughing

emails wrongly addressed can be sooo upsetting

The case of a man who left Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

“Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here.”

:roflmao::devil2::roflmao:

 

[dw96]

The Week in Photos - Oct. 23 - Yahoo! News - Photo 11 out of 39

 

[Dunsailing]

 

[Dunsailing]

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that a Pan Am 747 listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."

Subject: World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

 

[Dunsailing]

I love this one


On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.

At the town of:- Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch
they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress,

“Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us.

Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”

The girl leaned over and said, “Burrr gurrr kiiing.”

 

[Hill Mantarou]

lol

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that a Pan Am 747 listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."

Subject: World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

That's a good one!

 

[wallyinnc]

As we are on the pilot jokes, here goes one with a moral:

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.
The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?

The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 Pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'

The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a Cinnamon bun.'

When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing !!!

When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing !!!