Jokes Thread

[Kari]

Three guys died when they got to the pearly gates St Peter met them and said ...

Not long after this, a fourth guy died and when he arrived at the pearly gates St. Peter met him and asked the same questions that he asked the other guys. ...

And the very next day, a young man in his late thirties arrived to the gates of Heaven.

'Good day', says St. Peter.
'Hi', answerers the the newcomer.
'You are a car mechanic, I see, you had a car repair shop', says Peter. 'How old are you?'
'I'm 36 years old', tells the young man.
'Hm, but you have billed 508 080 hours from your customers alone in the last 10 years. That makes 58 years, working 24/7. Can you explain it?'
'These foreign cars! You have to work around the clock to get them fixed!'

 

[PooMan UK]

Death Star Canteen

 

[PooMan UK]

How not to shoot with a deagle

 

[madtownidiot]

Someone complained about my signature because it contained a shutdown sequence that works in windows 7. windows key > right arrow key > enter as quickly as possible. Fastest way to end boredom

 

[DocBrown]

Amish & the Elevator

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I havenever seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.


They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...

'Go get your mother.'

 

[wallyinnc]

Great one... :roflmao::roflmao:

 

[patio]

Chutzpah is a Yiddish word meaning gall, brazen nerve, effrontery,
sheer guts plus arrogance; it's Yiddish and, as Leo Rosten writes,
no other word, and no other language, can do it justice.
This example is better than a thousand words...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for
25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave
his office building at lunch time and as he passed
the pretzel stand he would leave her a quarter,
but never take a pretzel.

And this went on for more then 3 years. The two of
them never spoke. One day as the young man
passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter
as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him.
Without blinking an eye she said:

"They're 35 cents now ."

 

[DreemWarrior]

May be P.I.,but funny all the same...

The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......
'Hey Jose, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'
'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee..'
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
'Jose, Jose, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'
'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.'
'Jose when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smells like bacon.... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.
And with that... Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Jose following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Jose with his dying breath.
'Jose... go back man, you was right ees not a bacon tree.'
'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?
'Jose... ees not a bacon tree...
　



　
Ees
　
Eees a ham bush.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dFJjaj7pXsA

 

[wallyinnc]

The sad part is we Latin Americans do talk like that (some with not all the mistakes). Last night my family and I volunteered with stophungernow.org to pack food bags for Haiti. We were packing soy protein, powdered vitamins, dried vegetables and rice in a plastic bag, putting them in bins that were then taken to weighing, sealing and packing (we packed about 50k meals in our shift).

Well, at one point we ran out of bins in our station and I started shouting for more, a guy looked at me and said "Beans? We don't have any beans!". I was like "just get some trays will you..?

 

[valtonray]

May be P.I.,but funny all the same...

The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......
'Hey Jose, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'
'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee..'
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
'Jose, Jose, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'
'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.'
'Jose when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smells like bacon.... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.
And with that... Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Jose following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Jose with his dying breath.
'Jose... go back man, you was right ees not a bacon tree.'
'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?
'Jose... ees not a bacon tree...
　



　
Ees
　
Eees a ham bush.

:roflmao:

 

[Arc]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I havenever seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.


They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...

'Go get your mother.'

Terrible .... I cant type more

 

[MattRainier]

Canadian friend of mine sent me these.

A truly Canadian Apology to the USA, courtesy of Rick Mercer from This Hour Has 22 Minutes, CBC Television:

Hello. I'm Anthony St. George on location here in Washington.
On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry. I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron, but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually elected him.
I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you, doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own. It would be like if, well, say you had ten times the television audeince we did and you flood our market with great shows, cheaper than we could produce. I know you'd never do that.
I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defence I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours. As word of apology, please accept all of our NHL teams which, one by one, are going out of business and moving to your fine country.
I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.
I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the War of 1812. I see you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.
I'm sorry for Alan Thicke, Shania Twain, Celine Dion, Loverboy, that song from Seriff that ends with a really high-pitched long note. Your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.
And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. Because we've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.
For 22 minutes, I'm Anthony St. George, and I'm sorry.

President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"
"Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
George paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!" Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Archie?” George asked.
"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."
President Bush sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
Lard T'underin' bye", said Archie, I'll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "President Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"
George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jumpins," said Archie,” I’ll have ta call youse back."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Bush! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said George. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

Of course, I ragged on him recently 'cause the US just kicked the Canadian's collective arse in Olympic hockey...

 

[Kari]

Of course, I ragged on him recently 'cause the US just kicked the Canadian's collective arse in Olympic hockey...

So you did to Canadians what we Finns are going to do to you in semifinals tomorrow afternoon My guess is Finland 3, USA 1.

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

The sad part is we Latin Americans do talk like that (some with not all the mistakes). Last night my family and I volunteered with stophungernow.org to pack food bags for Haiti. We were packing soy protein, powdered vitamins, dried vegetables and rice in a plastic bag, putting them in bins that were then taken to weighing, sealing and packing (we packed about 50k meals in our shift).

Well, at one point we ran out of bins in our station and I started shouting for more, a guy looked at me and said "Beans? We don't have any beans!". I was like "just get some trays will you..?

Sorry in advance ...


Beans, we don't need no steenkin beans!

 

[Grimmjow]

mIRC:
+iNzpekth|buzy> where can i get some ftp programs??
<@pain> try Google
<+iNzpekth|buzy> <<--Thx pain-->>
<@pain> lol, nice script
<+iNzpekth|buzy> <<--Thx pain-->>
<+iNzpekth|buzy> hey pain, i didnt find ftp from Google, which link is it?
* pain cries
-------------------------------------------------------------------
<~kid[0]> odd
<~kid[0]> so friday
<~kid[0]> i drank alot of beer
<~kid[0]> yesterday i woke up feeling fine
<~kid[0]> today i wake p and my head hurts
<~kid[0]> wtf?
<+x24> lag
----------------------------------------
<death09>my girlfriend broke up with me and sent me pix of her and her new boyfriend in bed
<ktp753>ouch.
<death09>yeah.i sent them to her dad

----------------------------------------
*** Topic in #doghouse is 'Our hearts are extended to the 17 victims of the recent internet fraud'
* Anubis has joined #doghouse
<Anubis> what fraud?
<Kadmium> You haven't heard about it?
<Anubis> no?
<Kadmium> You can read the full story at http://
<Anubis> omg wtf!
*** Kadmium changes topic to 'Our hearts are extended to the 18 victims of the recent internet fraud'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
LordChewy> so my dad found my porn folder
<LordChewy> and he was getting all pissed
<LordChewy> so its all like "does this surprise you? i'm not stupid you know"
<LordChewy> "i know dad"
<LordChewy> "what do you have to say for yourself?"
<LordChewy> at this point i stare at him straight in the eyes and say "C>documents and Settings>Ricky>My Documents>faxessent> faxes"
<LordChewy> and he just shut up
<kingKahn> what is it?
<LordChewy> its his porn folder

 

[MattRainier]

So you did to Canadians what we Finns are going to do to you in semifinals tomorrow afternoon My guess is Finland 3, USA 1.

USA 2, Fins 1. Sorry - USA going ALL THE WAY!

Nah, I don't really care. I'm doing it just to bug you. All I really care about is seeing a great hockey game.

 

[Kari]

So you did to Canadians what we Finns are going to do to you in semifinals tomorrow afternoon My guess is Finland 3, USA 1.

USA 2, Fins 1. Sorry - USA going ALL THE WAY!

Nah, I don't really care. I'm doing it just to bug you. All I really care about is seeing a great hockey game.

Likewise, I don't care about the result, as long as Finland wins Seriously, I believe it is going to be a good game. two very good teams, high stakes.

 

[Maineac]

So you did to Canadians what we Finns are going to do to you in semifinals tomorrow afternoon My guess is Finland 3, USA 1.

USA 2, Fins 1. Sorry - USA going ALL THE WAY!

Nah, I don't really care. I'm doing it just to bug you. All I really care about is seeing a great hockey game.

Likewise, I don't care about the result, as long as Finland wins Seriously, I believe it is going to be a good game. two very good teams, high stakes.

BITTE Kari i don´t believe that the U.S.A can lose,maybe when a blizzard strikes inside the stadium!!!!:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Kari]

BITTE Kari i don´t believe that the U.S.A can lose,maybe when a blizzard strikes inside the stadium!!!!:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

Since 1995 Finland has met USA in World Cup or Olympics 13 times. Finland has won 10 times (once in over time), USA once and two ties. Goals Finland 45, USA 28.

11 hours to game start, I'm quite sure we are going to Sunday's finals by beating USA today!

BTW, Maineac, here's something for you to read and enjoy

Kari

 

[valtonray]

Canadian friend of mine sent me these.

A truly Canadian Apology to the USA, courtesy of Rick Mercer from This Hour Has 22 Minutes, CBC Television:

Hello. I'm Anthony St. George on location here in Washington.
On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry. I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron, but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually elected him.
I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you, doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own. It would be like if, well, say you had ten times the television audeince we did and you flood our market with great shows, cheaper than we could produce. I know you'd never do that.
I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defence I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours. As word of apology, please accept all of our NHL teams which, one by one, are going out of business and moving to your fine country.
I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.
I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the War of 1812. I see you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.
I'm sorry for Alan Thicke, Shania Twain, Celine Dion, Loverboy, that song from Seriff that ends with a really high-pitched long note. Your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.
And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. Because we've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.
For 22 minutes, I'm Anthony St. George, and I'm sorry.

President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"
"Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
George paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!" Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Archie?” George asked.
"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."
President Bush sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
Lard T'underin' bye", said Archie, I'll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "President Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"
George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jumpins," said Archie,” I’ll have ta call youse back."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Bush! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said George. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

Of course, I ragged on him recently 'cause the US just kicked the Canadian's collective arse in Olympic hockey...

you do realize bush isn't the president over here anymore right? other than that i think you captured him pretty well he is an idiot.