Jokes Thread

[madtownidiot]

My girlfriend's hot little sister..

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her thong underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived.

She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.


I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.

My future mother & father-in-laws were standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

[derekimo]

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her thong underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived.

She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.


I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.

My future mother & father-in-laws were standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Dark Nova Gamer]

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her thong underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived.

She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.


I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.

My future mother & father-in-laws were standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Lol..

 

[Kari]

...
The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

That happened once to me, too. But just when I opened the door, instead of meeting the in-laws I woke up and let the cat out...

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

That is a good one.

 

[starwolf1336]

wow, i didnt see that one coming

 

[harry5]

Ear Infection.
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office whyyou are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing theDoctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose!

 

[smsff7]

Ear Infection.
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office whyyou are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing theDoctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose!

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao: good one

 

[Dom]

Ear Infection.
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office whyyou are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing theDoctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose!

:roflmao: :roflmao:

 

[Arc]

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

I will rea the joke later ..... first of all .... let me laugh

 

[harry5]

the black bra!! (as told by a woman)

Sue had lunch with 2 of her unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress & Sue has been married for 20+ years.

They were chatting about their relationships & decided to amaze their partners by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels & a mask over their eyes. They agreed to meet after a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

the engaged friend …..


The other night when my boyfriend came over, he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos & a mask. He saw me & said: 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all nightlong,

the mistress…..

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office & I was wearing a raincoat. Under it only the black bra, heels & a mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble & we had wild sex all night.

then Sue had to share her story …..

When my husband came home, I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos & a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door & saw me, he said:

"What's for dinner, Batman?"

 

[wallyinnc]

"What's for dinner, Batman?"

Great one... :roflmao:

 

[Kari]

"What's for dinner, Batman?"

Great one... :roflmao:

+1

Luckily that day has still to come...

 

[severedsolo]

I am a Nobody, Nobody is perfect, Therefore I am Perfect

I dont suffer from insanity i enjoy every minute of it

 

[pacinitaly]

i am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore i am perfect

i dont suffer from insanity i enjoy every minute of it

i love this !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

also, I'm not schizophrenic, I'm quadraphonic ( syd barret - pink floyd )

 

[Kari]

WHERE AM I?

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an
electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic
navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze
the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the
airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew
a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign
said "WHERE AM I ?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a
large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU
ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and
determine the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and
landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the
"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The
pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building
because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless
answer."

Credits to Little Darwin, who posted a link to this joke here.

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

WHERE AM I?

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an
electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic
navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze
the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the
airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew
a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign
said "WHERE AM I ?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a
large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU
ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and
determine the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and
landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the
"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The
pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building
because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless
answer."

Credits to Little Darwin, who posted a link to this joke here.

That is a good one.

 

[harry5]

A new
priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak. After
mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The
monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to
get nervous, I take a sip.'

So
next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At
the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a
drink. He
proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon
his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on
the door:

1) Sip
the vodka, don't gulp.​

2)
There are 10 commandments, not 12.​

3)
There are 12 disciples, not 10.​

4) Jesus
was consecrated, not constipated.​

5) Jacob
wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.​

6)
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.​

7)
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and
the spook.​

8)
David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of
him.​

9)
When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say
he was stoned off his ass.​

10)
We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'​

11)
When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and
eat it for this is my body.' He did not say 'Eat
me'.​

12)
The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.​

13)
The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the
grub, Yeah God.​

14)
Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.
Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St.
Taffy's​

 

[derekimo]

:roflmao:Ah Another great one harry.

 

[Dom]

A new
priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak. After
mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The
monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to
get nervous, I take a sip.'

So
next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At
the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a
drink. He
proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon
his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on
the door:

1) Sip
the vodka, don't gulp.


2)
There are 10 commandments, not 12.



3)
There are 12 disciples, not 10.



4) Jesus
was consecrated, not constipated.



5) Jacob
wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.



6)
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.



7)
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and
the spook.



8)
David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of
him.



9)
When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say
he was stoned off his ass.



10)
We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'



11)
When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and
eat it for this is my body.' He did not say 'Eat
me'.



12)
The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.



13)
The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the
grub, Yeah God.



14)
Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.
Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St.
Taffy's​

I find this a bit offensive due to my beliefs :shock: