Jokes Thread

[LADYPINKtomato1]

THW.. thank you so very much.. I know you all are ...
I know you would do anything in your power for me..I'm so blessed..
You are correct, I'm never really alone.. The Lord is alyways with and in me.
The Sig was made for me along with one for Carl.. By elsuirad.. he made
this for me for July 4th.. View attachment 82831
I hope I didn't sound too needy..I didn't mean to be at all.
hugs

 

[noobvious]

THW.. thank you so very much.. I know you all are ...
I know you would do anything in your power for me..I'm so blessed..
You are correct, I'm never really alone.. The Lord is alyways with and in me.
The Sig was made for me along with one for Carl.. By elsuirad.. he made
this for me for July 4th.. View attachment 82831
I hope I didn't sound too needy..I didn't mean to be at all.
hugs

Maybe I am slow on the uptake today, but did your avatar just change too? It certainly matches the new sig.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

I find no fun in living alone.. it's not for me.. yet that's what I'm doing.

I agree, LPT; I did not like living alone.

Carl hi.. wanted to wish you and your wife a great July 4th..
if you can get away on the bike be careful.. but enjoy the time .. I know you
love to get out and ride for pleasure..I also hope by now your Dad has made good progress in his recovery from the pneumonia.. bless his heart that really can be a big setback .. especially at his age.
Prayers for him, long with other needs in the family.
hugs

View attachment 82835

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

THW.. thank you so very much.. I know you all are ...
I know you would do anything in your power for me..I'm so blessed..
You are correct, I'm never really alone.. The Lord is alyways with and in me.
The Sig was made for me along with one for Carl.. By elsuirad.. he made
this for me for July 4th.. View attachment 82831
I hope I didn't sound too needy..I didn't mean to be at all.
hugs

Maybe I am slow on the uptake today, but did your avatar just change too? It certainly matches the new sig.

noob hi.. you are right on target.. I had the flag.. so decided to use it along with my new July 4th sig..
Thank you for your very keen eye... I added the Sig .. then the avitar late today... after returning from dinner with my gf.
View attachment 82836

 

[CarlTR6]

I find no fun in living alone.. it's not for me.. yet that's what I'm doing.

I agree, LPT; I did not like living alone.

Carl hi.. wanted to wish you and your wife a great July 4th..
if you can get away on the bike be careful.. but enjoy the time .. I know you
love to get out and ride for pleasure..I also hope by now your Dad has made good progress in his recovery from the pneumonia.. bless his heart that really can be a big setback .. especially at his age.
Prayers for him, long with other needs in the family.
hugs

View attachment 82835

Thank you, LPT. I think we will stick close to home on the 4th; but we are heading to the panhandle on
tuesday to spend the rest of the week with my youngest daughter and her family and my son and his family. We are all meeting up in Destin. Mae Lyne's oldest daughter will join us, too.

Dad bounced back well; his stamina is building every day. The trip he and I made to Redmond, WA forced him to to walk and do things and his recovery was astounding. Thak you for thinking of him; that was very kind.

I wish you a very Happy Independence Day!

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Carl that's wonderful.. about your Dad...
I really love Destin.. I hope to get down there before too much longer..
maybre next spring.. if possible.. Enjoy your family time together..I hope the beaches are clean.. from what I've read and heard they seem to be so far.

 

[BrightBlessings]

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
A completely brilliant question!!!!!!!

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

 

[derekimo]

Those are great BrightBlessings!

 

[A Guy]

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
A completely brilliant question!!!!!!!

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Lol, some new ones to me

A Guy

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
A completely brilliant question!!!!!!!

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

LMAO! :roflmao:

 

[Joan Archer]

Just picked this up from another forum I belong to.

ONLY THE ENGLISH COULD HAVE INVENTED THIS LANGUAGE

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Then shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England ..
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns
down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?

I WOULD LIKE TO ADD THAT IF PEOPLE FROM POLAND ARE CALLED POLES THEN

PEOPLE FROM HOLLAND SHOULD BE HOLES AND THE GERMANS GERMS!!!

 

[xarden]

Joan
When your in Germany, you speak German.
When in Japan, you speak Japanese.
When in America, you speak English.
When online, you speak l33t.

 

[CarlTR6]

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
A completely brilliant question!!!!!!!

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Excellent!

 

[CarlTR6]

Joan, so true and I love it.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Are you missing yours?



Wake up the cat's got your teeth!

 

[The Howling Wolves]

You've got mail!

 

[Borg 386]

The origin of chapstick

[FONT=Comic Sans MS, sans-serif][FONT=Comic Sans MS, sans-serif]An old crusty cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day.

The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the
cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in
front of the sheriff.

"Howdy, Stranger."

"Howdy, Sheriff."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of the horse, lifted his tail
and placed a big kiss on the horse's butt. He dropped the horse's
tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed toward the swinging doors of
the saloon.

"Hold on there, Mister," said the Sheriff, "Did I just see what I
think I saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

"And does that cure them?" the Sheriff asked.

"Nope... but it keeps me from lickin' 'em"
[/FONT][/FONT]

 

[gladson1976]

The Monastery

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

“We missed the R! ?We missed the R! We missed the R!”

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?”

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word was…CELEBRATE!!!”

 

[gladson1976]

Young Chuck

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, ‘Sorry Chuck, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.’
Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’
The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’
Chuck said, ‘OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.’
The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with a dead donkey?
Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said ‘You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!’
Chuck said, ‘Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead donkey?’
Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.’
The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’
Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.’




Chuck now works for Morgan Stanley.

 

[MattRainier]

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

“We missed the R! ?We missed the R! We missed the R!”

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?”

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word was…CELEBRATE!!!”

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao: