Jokes Thread

[DocBrown]

:roflmao:The First Recorded Senior Moment‏ :roflmao:

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

:roflmao:The First Recorded Senior Moment‏ :roflmao:

That's a good one.

 

[CarlTR6]

:roflmao:The First Recorded Senior Moment‏ :roflmao:

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Arc]

:roflmao:The First Recorded Senior Moment‏ :roflmao:

I think it is the time machine generated answer to the question "why dynos vanished ".

 

[Kirsch]

You know you are from Wisconsin when...

Your whole family wears green and gold to church on Sunday.
You refer to the Packers as "we."
Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on
the highway.
"Vacation" means going up nort' to Crivitz for the weekend.
You measure distance in hours.
You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.
You use a down comforter in the summer - and gloves.
You drive at 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard,
without flinching.
You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both
unlocked.
You think of the major food groups as venison, fish, and berries.
There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at the Fleet Farm at
any given time.
You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road
construction.
It takes you 3 hours to go to the store for one item even when you're
in a rush because you have to stop and talk to everyone in town.
You buy your Christmas presents at Fleet Farm.
You know what cow-tipping is.
You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to
use them.
You define summer as three months of bad sledding.
Your definition of a small town is one that has only one bar.
Snow tires come standard on all your cars.
At least 50% of your relatives work on a dairy farm.
You have gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week.
You can identify an Illinois or Michigan accent.
You learned to drive a tractor before the training wheels were off
your bike.
Down South to you means Chicago.
Traveling coast to coast means going from La Crosse to Milwaukee.
The "Big Three" means Miller, Old Milwaukee & PBR.
You don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
You know a brat is something you eat and Eau Claire is not.
You were offended by the movie "Fargo".
You have no problem spelling Milwaukee.
You can pronounce and spell Oconomowoc.
You know where Waukesha is and can pronounce it.
You consider Madison exotic.
You got a passport to go to Minnesota.
Your ides of foreign culture is listening to Da Yoopers.
You know what a bubbler is.
Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new machine shed.
A Friday night out is taking your girlfriend shining for deer.
Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a cow next to your
blue spruce.
You go out for fish fry every Friday.
You can recognize someone from Illinois from their driving.
You've seen a hodag.
You know how to polka.
Formal wear is a flannel shirt, blue jeans & a baseball cap.
You used to think Deer Season was a national holiday.
You know Gotham is a real city.
You can make sense out of the words upnort and Trivers.
You decided to have a picnic this summer because it fell on a weekend.
You can visit Luxemburg, Holland, Belgium, Denmark, Berlin, New London
& Poland all in one afternoon.
You only know three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.
You go to work in a snowsuit in the morning and return home wearing
shorts.
You've seen mosquitoes with landing lights.
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
You enjoy driving in the winter because the potholes fill in with
snow.
Your sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.
The local paper covers major headlines on 1 page, but requires 4 pages
for sports.
At least twice a year, your kitchen doubles as a meat processing
plant.
Your children describe their summer vacation out of state as a "trip
to Door County."
You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
You have caught a fish in Lake Michigan and it glowed in the dark.
You define swimming season as Labor Day weekend.
Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.
You find 0 degrees a little chilly.
The snow on your roof in August weighs more than you do.
You have been involved in a "drive-by hay bailing".
You drink "soda" and refer to your dad as "pop".

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

From my brother the Marine
Polly Want Some Bloodshed?

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he
heard a loud voice say, “Jesus is watching you!”
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward. “Jesus is watching you!”
the voice boomed again.
The frightened burglar stopped dead. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner,
he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said, ‘Jesus is watching me?’”
“Yes”, replied the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot, “What's your name?”
“Clarence,” said the bird.
“That's a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?”
“The same idiot who named the pit bull Jesus.”

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

:roflmao:The First Recorded Senior Moment‏ :roflmao:

I think it is the time machine generated answer to the question "why dynos vanished ".

ARC this is a fantastic new Sig..you're sporting today.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

:roflmao:The First Recorded Senior Moment‏ :roflmao:

Doc I relate....lol... more so... when I can't locate things I put away..
then can't find when I need them.:roflmao:

 

[MWRed]

You know you are from Wisconsin when...


You refer to the Packers as "we." - Guilty
Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on
the highway. - true
You measure distance in hours. - of course
You know several people who have hit deer more than once. - I've hit 5 total...
You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again. - Yup
You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events. - Yup
You buy your Christmas presents at Fleet Farm. - Yeah, done that....shhhh
You know what cow-tipping is.
You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to
use them. - hahaha...yup
Your definition of a small town is one that has only one bar. - My hometown had 1100 ppl and 3 bars( 2 more on the backroads outside of town also)
At least 50% of your relatives work on a dairy farm. - I was a dairy farmer
You learned to drive a tractor before the training wheels were off
your bike. - well, was driving tractor at age 11
Traveling coast to coast means going from La Crosse to Milwaukee. - haha
The "Big Three" means Miller, Old Milwaukee & PBR. - hell yeah
You know where Waukesha is and can pronounce it.- yup
You consider Madison exotic. - Closest thing to exotic we have down here
Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new machine shed. - We did this when we built a pole-barn shed
You can recognize someone from Illinois from their driving. - always
You've seen a hodag. - been to one
Formal wear is a flannel shirt, blue jeans & a baseball cap. - yup
You know Gotham is a real city. - true
You only know three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup. - that's all we need
You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit. - that's no lie
You've seen mosquitoes with landing lights. - yeah, no joke
The local paper covers major headlines on 1 page, but requires 4 pages
for sports. - Hahaha....that's true, and Sports gets looked at before anything else usually
At least twice a year, your kitchen doubles as a meat processing
plant. - Guilty of that
You find 0 degrees a little chilly. - Just a bit

Yeah, pretty scary isn't it. So much truth to these,lol.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Engineers' Conversion Table

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
Hospital = 1 IV League

27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

 

[gladson1976]

Don't you hate it when ...

Don't you hate it when ...

1. People are willing to get off their backside to search the entire room for the TV remote but refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
2. When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”.
Damn Right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?
3. When people say “it’s always the last place you look”.
Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
4. When people say while watching a film, “did you see that?”
No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor!
5. People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”…
Didn’t give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
6. When something is ‘new and improved’.
Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn’t be new.
7. When people say “life is short”.
What the heck??? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!!! What can you do that’s longer?
8. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks “Has the bus come yet?”
If the bus came, would I be standing here???

 

[smarteyeball]

The Lord is always with and in me.

There are laws to stop that sort of thing. Perhaps you should ring the police...


*******

An Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night.
The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."

The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied, "Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."

 

[gladson1976]

Here’s a dilemma…

With all your honor and dignity, what would you do? Please don’t answer without giving it serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally.
This test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Please scroll down slowly and consider each line - this is very important!

You’re in Florida… in Miami, to be exact. There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge masses of water all over you.
You are a news photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You’re trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is showing all its destructive power.
Suddenly you see a man in the water, fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar.
Suddenly you know who it is — it’s George W. Bush!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever. You have two options. You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life. So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of one of the world’s most powerful men.






And here’s the question (please give an honest answer):


Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of classic black and white?

 

[Borg 386]

New Viruses to watch for

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS - Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS - You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

AL GORE VIRUS - Claims that it is the Internet. Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.

ALZHEIMER'S VIRUS - It makes your computer forget where it put your files.

AMISH VIRUS - You are sent a postal letter stating that your computer is now infected, and you are honor bound to delete all files on your PC.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS - It terminates and stays resident. It'll be back!

AT&T VIRUS - Gives you a pop up every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

BUREAUCRAT VIRUS - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS - Computer locks up, screen splits vertically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

COUCH POTATO VIRUS - Just sits there, eating chips all day.

DISNEY VIRUS - Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

FREUDIAN VIRUS - Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying it's own motherboard. Becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.

GALLUP POLL VIRUS - 60% of the PC's infected will lose 30% of their data 14% of the time (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error).

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS - Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS - Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

HURRICANE VIRUS - It blows away all your files, then tells you the government will help you rebuild them.

JEFFREY DAHMER VIRUS - Eats away at your systems resources piece by piece.

JIMINY CRICKET VIRUS - Changes your Zip disk into a Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah disk.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS - Nobody can find it. Your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS - Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to. Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

MCI VIRUS - Every three minutes a pop up reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS - Quits after one byte.

MOM VIRUS - Places a phone call to your mother or posts on her Facebook page every time you click on an adult website.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS - This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack- Once, if by LAN; twice if by C.

PBS VIRUS - Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for a tax deductible contribution.

PROZAC VIRUS - Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't give a sh*t.

RICHARD SIMMONS VIRUS - Deletes FAT table.

SLACKER VIRUS - Uses 80% of your computer's resources, yet does absolutely nothing.

TED KENNEDY VIRUS - It drives your files into the bit stream, crashes your computer, then denies it ever happened.

 

[gladson1976]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.'
Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'
The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'
He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . …. .
'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box!'

 

[Kirsch]

A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color?" A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color... person?" - Demetri Martin

 

[wallyinnc]

Boy some of the stuff you can buy on Amazon these days!

For all you audiophiles: Amazon.com: Denon AKDL1 Dedicated Link Cable: Electronics

Read the Review comments for it!!!

I loved this one and loved their description too:

Get the purest digital audio you've ever experienced from multi-channel DVD and CD playback through your Denon home theater receiver with the AK-DL1 dedicated cable. Made of high-purity copper wire, it's designed to thoroughly eliminate adverse effects from vibration and helps stabilize the digital transmission from occurrences of jitter and ripple. A tin-bearing copper alloy is used for the cable's shield while the insulation is made of a fluoropolymer material with superior heat resistance, weather resistance, and anti-aging properties. The connector features a rounded plug lever to prevent bending or breaking and direction marks to indicate correct direction for connecting cable.

Translation for non-audiophiles:

Copper cable with plastic insulation and RJ-45 connectors

 

[Dinesh]

Don't you hate it when ...

1. People are willing to get off their backside to search the entire room for the TV remote but refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
2. When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”.
Damn Right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?
3. When people say “it’s always the last place you look”.
Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
4. When people say while watching a film, “did you see that?”
No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor!
5. People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”…
Didn’t give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
6. When something is ‘new and improved’.
Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn’t be new.
7. When people say “life is short”.
What the heck??? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!!! What can you do that’s longer?
8. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks “Has the bus come yet?”
If the bus came, would I be standing here???

:roflmao:

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

It's your birthday......

View attachment 83835

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Aunt Mildred.....
Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.

Later that night.............. Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee...