Jokes Thread

[MWRed]

Haha......no further comment. :roflmao:

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Aunt Mildred.....
Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.

Later that night.............. Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee...

Doctor should have advised her where her left breast USED to be!
Of course, at our age, there are a lot of things in different locations.:roflmao:

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

t r u e !!!

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

How To Sell Toothbrushes!!!

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes, " said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes! " echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog s**t!"

Then I would say,"It is dog s**t. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shi**y for free, and then making you pay to get the shi**y taste out of your mouth."

 

[The Howling Wolves]

How To Sell Toothbrushes!!!

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes, " said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes! " echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog s**t!"

Then I would say,"It is dog s**t. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shi**y for free, and then making you pay to get the shi**y taste out of your mouth."

I want to buy a toothbrush............for that sh**y joke!:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Meet me downtown on the busiest corner there !!!!!:roflmao:

 

[vierasniper]

A Dyslexic man walks into a Bra.

 

[elsuirad]

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99' ".

The guy obeys and says,"99".

The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".

Again, the guy says, '99'."

The doctor said,"Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The guy begins, "One ... Two ...Three".

 

[derekimo]

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99' ".

The guy obeys and says,"99".

The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".

Again, the guy says, '99'."

The doctor said,"Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The guy begins, "One ... Two ...Three".

:roflmao:

 

[elsuirad]

For those not aware of Indian geography, the Taj Mahal is near the city of AGRA
(hence the "pun" on the word).
CLEVER AD FROM INDIA.
The Smartest AD FROM INDIA !!​

 

[WindowsStar]

A man is in bed with his new bride; they have just made love and he tells her in a soft calm voice, "Honey I just want you to know that I am not a man that has to make love all the time, I have a system that will help me know when you want to make love or when you do not want to make love." The wife replies, "Wow how considerate you are I knew I married a great man." The husband replies, "Here is what you need to do; every night when we get into bed reach over and grab my penis tenderly and if you want to make love rub it up and down 2 times." The wife smiles with a evil grin and says, "...and if I don't want to make love?". The husband says, "....reach over and grab my penis tenderly and rub it up and down 200 times."

 

[BrightBlessings]

SOCIALISM You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the
other, and then throws the milk away...

AMERICAN CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

FRENCH CAPITALISM You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and
block the roads, because you want three cows.

JAPANESE CAPITALISM You have two cows. You redesign them so they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it
worldwide.

GERMAN CAPITALISM You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for
100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

ITALIAN CAPITALISM You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

RUSSIAN CAPITALISM You have two cows. You count them and learn you have
five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and
open another bottle of vodka.

SWISS CAPITALISM You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge
the owners for storing them.

CHINESE CAPITALISM You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You
claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

INDIAN CAPITALISM You have two cows. You worship them.

BRITISH CAPITALISM You have two cows. Both are mad.

AUSTRALIAN CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You invite 200 mates over for a barbie.

MacQUARIE BANK CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company,
using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then
execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get
all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows and a management fee
stream for six cows. The milk rights of the seven cows are transferred via
an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority
shareholder who sells the rights to all eight cows back to your listed
company. The annual report says the company owns nine cows, with an option
on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States,
leaving you with ten cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The
public then buys your bull.

NEW ZEALAND CAPITALISM
You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica
lessons

 

[Dinesh]

LOL brightblessings. Very funny.

 

[Borg 386]

Remember the vows

 

[gladson1976]

Nice avatar Dinesh Bring back old memories

 

[The Howling Wolves]

John is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother's house for a visit.

There's a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table,
so, John and his friends start snacking on them.

When they are ready to leave, his friends say,
Nice to meet you, ma'am and thank you for the peanuts."

Grand says, "You are most welcome.
Ever since I lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them."

 

[Kirsch]

John is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother's house for a visit.

There's a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table,
so, John and his friends start snacking on them.

When they are ready to leave, his friends say,
Nice to meet you, ma'am and thank you for the peanuts."

Grand says, "You are most welcome.
Ever since I lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them."

lol SICK

 

[Kirsch]

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

John is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother's house for a visit.

There's a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table,
so, John and his friends start snacking on them.

When they are ready to leave, his friends say,
Nice to meet you, ma'am and thank you for the peanuts."

Grand says, "You are most welcome.
Ever since I lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them."

GREAT new Sig...I really like it !!!

 

[Dinesh]

Nice avatar Dinesh Bring back old memories

Yes indeed.