Jokes Thread

[johnwillyums]

Excellent elsuirad! I've kept a snip for my "special" folder

Also how do pirates get around in these modern times- in a caaarrrggh

All this talk of pirates but where are your buccaneers- under your buccan hat

 

[CarlTR6]

Aunt Mildred.....
Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death ...
Later that night.............. Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee...

:roflmao::roflmao:

A young woman, tired of having to work, decides to marry a rich husband in his 70's.

On their honeymoon night, they go to their bedrooms and as the bride is undressing, she hears a knock on the door. She opens it, and there is her husband, obviously "ready to go."

He enters, they make passionate love for about 20 minutes, and then he kisses her and leaves.

About 15 minutes later, as she is lying in bed, reading a magazine, she hears a knock on the door. She goes to open it, and there is her new husband, looking at her, and she can tell he's "ready to go."

They make passionate love for about 30 minutes, he then tenderly kisses her cheek, and departs.

As the new bride is starting to doze off, she hears a knock on the door. Looking at the clock she see's only 1/2 an hour has gone by.

She opens the door, and there is her husband. He grabs her hand, kisses her and they make passionate love.

As they finish, she whispers in his ear "Wow Honey, you are one Tiger! I know men in their 20's that have problems making it once or twice, let alone three times!"

With a quizzical look, he says "You mean I've already been here?"

Hilarious! :roflmao:

I didn't write this.. I'm just passing it along.An observation of mine only..
we just think differently.

AnEnglish professor wrote the words:









"A woman without her man is nothing"

on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.


All of the males in the class wrote:






"A woman, without her man, is nothing."











All the females in the class wrote:






"A woman: without her, man is nothing."​

Punctuation is powerful​

:roflmao:

 

[mickey megabyte]

on a similarly sexist note:

Man says to God. "Why did you make Women so beautiful?"

God: "So you would love her"

Man says to God. "But why did you make women so dumb?"

God: "So they would love you."

 

[noobvious]

on a similarly sexist note:

Man says to God. "Why did you make Women so beautiful?"

God: "So you would love her"

Man says to God. "But why did you make women so dumb?"

God: "So they would love you."

:roflmao:

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

COURAGE?


What is the meaning of courage?

Is it to fight a bull in a bullfight?
Is it to fly a fighter plane in combat?
Is it to practice free fall parachuting?
Is it bungee jumping?
Wild water rafting?

Bullshit! Those are nothing!
THIS, my friend, is COURAGE!!!

LMAO!

 

[severedsolo]

Some actual Classified ads:

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.



Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00



We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.



Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

 

[Arc]

Some actual Classified ads:

:roflmao:

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

on a similarly sexist note:

Man says to God. "Why did you make Women so beautiful?"

God: "So you would love her"

Man says to God. "But why did you make women so dumb?"

God: "So they would love you."

Isn't GOD great ???.. EQUALITY.. that's it !!!!:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[arkhi]

I guess it depends on WHO's doing the punctuation. :roflmao:

That has actually been taught to us in English before... Memories

 

[Joan Archer]

A friend just emailed this to me, hope you enjoy it.

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire..

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance.. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15... Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

-------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'​

----------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

-----------------------------------


While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked.. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.

-----------------------------------

And, one of the best for last….

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the preacher and calmly said, 'Well......she's there.'​

 

[CarlTR6]

Excellent, Joan; and I can relate to nearly all of them.

 

[arkhi]

Do you know what joke that only gays don't know?

 

[Joan Archer]

Nine Months Later

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. They loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard and they pulled into a nearby farm, asking the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house," she told them.

"Don't worry," John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. If the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'

The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared so they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing but about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, "Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do," said Keith.

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" he queried awkwardly.

"Well, um, yes," Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?" John pursued further.

Keith's face turned beet red. "Yeah. Look, I'm sorry buddy. I'm afraid I did." he said sheepishly. "Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

 

[CarlTR6]

:roflmao::roflmao:I love it!

 

[MattRainier]

"she just died and left me everything."

lolaroflmao!

 

[kronckew]

Two Mexicans are on a bicycle about 15 miles outside of Lafayette,
Louisiana. One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a
lift back into town. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help,
and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them he has no room in
the trailer as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The Mexicans put it
to the driver that if they can manage to fit into the back with their
bike, will he take them back into town and he agrees. They manage to
squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the
doors and gets on his way.

By this time he is really late and so puts the hammer down and sure
enough, a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding. The lady officer asks
the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies
"Mexican eggs." The Blonde Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a
look in the trailer.

She opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. She gets on
her radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as
possible plus the Swat Team. The dispatcher asks what emergency she has
that require so many officers.

"I've got a Tractor-Trailer stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it. Two
have hatched and they've already managed to steal a bicycle.
__________________

 

[WindowsStar]

Bowling balls....err eh I mean mexican eggs....hahahaha

 

[elsuirad]

Why football is played for 45 minutes in each half?
Those who thought of this must have lots of time
Why people play football for 45 minutes, not 30 minutes or 1 hour?
Even the sports scientist and some of the senior players could not give the right answer.
In that confusing situation one person came up with a reasonable and brilliant answer.

He said......." The reason people play this game for 45 minutes is...

There are 2 teams and there are 11 players in each team.
Each player brings his own "2 balls"
So in total there are 44 balls.
There is one ball on the ground itself. Thus the grand total is 45

Question Answered !!!

Sometimes there is extra time of 2 mins which is the referee's balls!

LIGHTEN UP GUYS...... :roflmao:

 

[echrada]

A woman finds a genie's lamp. The Genie comes out and says, "You may have three wishes, but your husband will get ten times more than what you wished for."

The woman agrees. Her first wish was that she would be the most beautiful woman in the world. "You realize," the Genie said, "that your husband will be ten times more beautiful than you, and more women will gawk at him?"

"That's okay," says the woman, "He'll only look at me because I will be the most beautiful women." So the wish is granted.

Her second wish was that she would be the richest woman in the world. "You know your husband will be ten times richer, right?" the Genie asks.

"That's okay. What's mine is his and what's his is mine," replied the woman. So the wish was granted.

The woman then thinks long and hard about her last wish. She finally wishes that she had a mild heart attack.

 

[Tews]

Childrens proverbs...

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. He gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb,
and asked them to come up with the rest.
Here is what the kids came up with:

People in glass houses shouldn't . . . run around naked.

Better to be safe than . . . punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the . . . bug is close.

It's always darkest before . . . daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of . . . termites.

You can lead a horse to water but . . . how?

Don't bite the hand that . . . looks dirty.

No news is . . . impossible.

A miss is as good as a . . . Mr.

You can't teach an old dog . . . math.

If you lie down with dogs, you . . . will stink in the morning.

Love all, trust . . . me.

The pen is mightier than . . . the pigs.

An idle mind is . . . the best way to relax.

Where there is smoke, there is . . . pollution.

Happy is the bride who . . . gets all the presents.

A penny saved is . . . not much.

Two is company, three is . . . The Musketeers.

None are so blind as . . . Helen Keller.

Children should be seen and not . . . spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed . . . get new batteries.

You get out of something what you . . . see pictured on the box.

When the blind lead the blind . . . get out of the way.

There is no fool like . . . Aunt Edie.