Jokes Thread

[Dwarf]

Did it twice with no mistakes, all within 40 seconds.

As for the 3rd words, speak for yourself! :sarc:

 

[noobvious]

Quick Check for Alzheimer's (I am still okay wow wwwww )

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!


1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9 This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12 This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from
the top down
:roflmao::roflmao:

Sure glad I'm not 40 yet!

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

Quick Check for Alzheimer's (I am still okay wow wwwww )

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!


1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9 This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12 This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from
the top down
:roflmao::roflmao:

You got me!

​

 

[Dwarf]

Quick Check for Alzheimer's (I am still okay wow wwwww )

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!


1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9 This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12 This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from
the top down
:roflmao::roflmao:

You got me!

View attachment 86455
​

Howdy, ye olde farte!

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

You got me!

View attachment 86455
​

Howdy, ye olde farte!

Howdy Dwarf! :shock:

 

[Joan Archer]

Those last few jokes had me

 

[Thorsen]

Old Arny pulled one of these:

*Warning strong language in link to Huffington Post
Schwarzenegger: F-Bomb In Veto Letter Was "Wild Coincidence"

*Warning F-bomb - read the first letter of each sentence ....

 

[A Guy]

A tap on the shoulder

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him of the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and crashed straight through a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said

"are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me..."


The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said

"I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."


The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault, today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years..."

A Guy

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

A tap on the shoulder

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him of the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and crashed straight through a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said

"are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me..."


The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said

"I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."


The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault, today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years..."

A Guy

Good one..

 

[steve-pressman]

Old Lady

A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother." The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk. "How come so much. I only bought 5 items.

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things, too. "

Do not trust all little Old Ladies..

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

lol .....View attachment 86607.....what next ??? that's too funny..

 

[gladson1976]

Bud Abbott and Lou Costello - Computers

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, "Who's on First?" may have sounded something like this:

Costello calls a computer store to ask about a computer. Abbot answers the phone.

Abbott: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
Costello: Yes. I'm setting up an office at home and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
Abbott: Mac?
Costello: No, my name's Lou.
Abbott: Your computer?
Costello: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
Abbott: Mac?
Costello: I told you, my name's Lou.
Abbott: OK then, what about Windows?
Costello: Why? Will it get stuffy in there?
Abbott: No. But do you want a computer with Windows?
Costello: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
Abbott: Wallpaper at first.
Costello: Never mind the windows! I need a computer and some software.
Abbott: Software for Windows?
Costello: No! On the computer! I need something I can use to run my business, write proposals and track expenses. What do you have?
Abbott: Office.
Costello: Yeah, for my office. I told you that. Can you recommend anything?
Abbott: I just did.
Costello: You just did what?
Abbott: Recommended something.
Costello: You recommended something?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: For my office?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: OK. What did you recommend for my office?
Abbott: Office.
Costello: Yes, for my office!
Abbott: I recommend Office with Windows.
Costello: My office already has windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to write a proposal. What would I need?
Abbott: Word.
Costello: What word?
Abbott: Word in Office.
Costello: The only word in office is office.
Abbott: You need the Word in Office for Windows.
Costello: Which word in office for windows?
Abbott: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
Costello: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't give me some straight answers. What about bookkeeping? Do you have anything I can use to track my money?
Abbott: Sure, Money.
Costello: That's right. What do you have?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: I need money to track my money?
Abbott: Yes, and It comes bundled with your computer.
Costello: What comes bundled with my computer?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: Money comes with my computer?
Abbott: Yes. No extra charge.
Costello: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much do I get?
Abbott: One copy.
Costello: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
Abbott: We got a license from Microsoft to copy Money.
Costello: They can give you a license to copy money?
Abbott: Why not? They own it!

(A few days later)
Abbott: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
Costello: How do I turn my computer off?
Abbott: Click "START."

 

[elsuirad]

That's a good one @gladson1976. and hilarious too.:roflmao:

 

[The Howling Wolves]

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford...

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

 

[steve-pressman]

New Panties

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs . . . enough times till her husband says...
"Are you wearing crotch less panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God for that. . . I thought you were sitting on the cat.

Services will be held Saturday, 2pm, Baxter Funeral Home

 

[derekimo]

New Panties

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs . . . enough times till her husband says...
"Are you wearing crotch less panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God for that. . . I thought you were sitting on the cat.

Services will be held Saturday, 2pm, Baxter Funeral Home

:roflmao:

 

[The Howling Wolves]

New Panties

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs . . . enough times till her husband says...
"Are you wearing crotch less panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God for that. . . I thought you were sitting on the cat.

Services will be held Saturday, 2pm, Baxter Funeral Home

:roflmao:

The services on Saturday at 2pm are they for the husband or for the cat she was sitting on?
I be corn fused!

 

[Joan Archer]

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[starwolf1336]

HAHAHAHA, nice one steve

 

[steve-pressman]

Hmmm it was for the husband there was no cat


Steve