Jokes Thread

[elsuirad]

:roflmao: that one made me laugh elsuirad! Here's one:

2 cannibals were munching on a clown
One cannibal says to the other one: Does this taste funny to you?

Hilarious!

 

[elsuirad]

Enlargement

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her breasts.

Dr. Smith advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'

She did this faithfully for several months!

To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs! (See image001.gif)


One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood up in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, 'Excuse me, Are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?'

'Yes I am... How did you know?' She replied.

He winked and replied, " Hickory dickory dock ..." (see image002.gif)


Oh.....ah...aaahhhhhh....aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..

 

[ITChick]

What did one strawberry say to the other strawberry?

If you weren't so fresh last night, we wouldn't be in this jam!

 

[Luckystar]

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown
emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment..

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says,
'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big bum and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'


Lucky

 

[elsuirad]

DANG!... You should have a THIRD Wish.

 

[Borg 386]

More of a thought then a joke but true nonetheless:

Why do we bother to name our cats when the only thing they respond to is "Kitty"?

 

[derekimo]

More of a thought then a joke but true nonetheless:

Why do we bother to name our cats when the only thing they respond to is "Kitty"?

That just happens to be my cat's name!

 

[The Howling Wolves]

More of a thought then a joke but true nonetheless:

Why do we bother to name our cats when the only thing they respond to is "Kitty"?

That just happens to be my cat's name!

Coming from East Bay everyone's name is KITTY!


Just joking Derek!:roflmao:

 

[derekimo]

More of a thought then a joke but true nonetheless:

Why do we bother to name our cats when the only thing they respond to is "Kitty"?

That just happens to be my cat's name!

Coming from East Bay everyone's name is KITTY!
View attachment 80495

Just joking Derek!:roflmao:

That's alright Dennis, at least it's not bubba! :roflmao:

 

[johnwillyums]

Do regular dogs think that poodles are into some kind of weird orthodox religion?

 

[xarden]

Two goldfish were in a tank.
One says to the other, "You take the gun and I'll drive."

 

[ryo]

watch out.....!!!!
View attachment 80393

Dont worry, ryo !!

All the roads approach to the God

but you have to watch it..if you don't look right and left..then you will..boammm...
accident.

 

[elsuirad]

There are 70 ways how to make a woman happy: Number one (1) is shopping the rest is 69.

 

[kronckew]

Do regular dogs think that poodles are into some kind of weird orthodox religion?

Yes.

 

[Dark Nova Gamer]

Viewer Discretion Advised!
​

A guy was driving down the road in his car.

A prostitute walks out in front of him. He smacks her with the bumper
of his car and knocks her down.

He immediately stops the car, jumps out and runs to the lady lying
on her back on the road. She is groaning in pain. She mumbles,
"I think I'm blind, I think I'm blind..."

Quickly the guy holds three fingers up in front of her and says,

"How many fingers do I have up?"

"Oh my God," she says. "I'm paralyzed too!!!!!!!"

 

[Tews]

Dear Dad....

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made, and that everything was picked up and tidy.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed,

'Dad.'

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the
letter, with trembling hands.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings',
tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much
older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really
hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with
the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and
ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so
Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know
your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in
life than the School report that's on the kitchen table.

 

[Borg 386]

Web URLs that didn't come out right

Experts Exchange – a site where programmers can trade advice – is found at expertsexchange.com

La Drape – a British company selling high-end quilted bedspreads – is listed at ladrape.co.uk

American Scrap Metal – a scrap metal recycling firm – americanscrapmetal

Speed of Art – a collective or art designers – are online at http://www.speedofart.comspeedofart.com

Therapist Finder – a directory for therapy services – can be located at therapistfinder.com

Pen Island's home page, http://www.penisland.netpenisland.net

Les Bocages, a British firm of tree surgeons working in France who are named after the French word for "groves" but also have the unfortunate web moniker lesbocages.com.

Big Al's bowling alley in Vancouver ended up with Ilovebigals.com

 

[Thorsen]

Experts Exchange – a site where programmers can trade advice – is found at expertsexchange.com

La Drape – a British company selling high-end quilted bedspreads – is listed at ladrape.co.uk

American Scrap Metal – a scrap metal recycling firm – americanscrapmetal

Speed of Art – a collective or art designers – are online at speedofart.com

Therapist Finder – a directory for therapy services – can be located at therapistfinder.com

Pen Island's home page, penisland.net

Les Bocages, a British firm of tree surgeons working in France who are named after the French word for "groves" but also have the unfortunate web moniker lesbocages.com.

Big Al's bowling alley in Vancouver ended up with Ilovebigals.com

:roflmao:

 

[CarlTR6]

Experts Exchange – a site where programmers can trade advice – is found at expertsexchange.com

La Drape – a British company selling high-end quilted bedspreads – is listed at ladrape.co.uk

American Scrap Metal – a scrap metal recycling firm – americanscrapmetal

Speed of Art – a collective or art designers – are online at speedofart.com

Therapist Finder – a directory for therapy services – can be located at therapistfinder.com

Pen Island's home page, penisland.net

Les Bocages, a British firm of tree surgeons working in France who are named after the French word for "groves" but also have the unfortunate web moniker lesbocages.com.

Big Al's bowling alley in Vancouver ended up with Ilovebigals.com

:roflmao:

 

[noobvious]

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made, and that everything was picked up and tidy.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed,

'Dad.'

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the
letter, with trembling hands.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings',
tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much
older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really
hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with
the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and
ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so
Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know
your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in
life than the School report that's on the kitchen table.

:roflmao: