Jokes Thread

[Borg 386]

An old man was driving down the 405 one morning when his cell phone rang.

"Oh Dear George" his wife said on the other end, "be careful, they just said on the news report that there's a driver going down the 405 the wrong way."

"George replied "It's not just one...there's hundreds of em"

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

An old man was driving down the 405 one morning when his cell phone rang.

"Oh Dear George" his wife said on the other end, "be careful, they just said on the news report that there's a driver going down the 405 the wrong way."

"George replied "It's not just one...there's hundreds of em"

LMAO!

 

[Dwarf]

Hello George Ted !!!

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

Hello George Ted !!!

Oh no, I've been found out! :huh:

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Hello George Ted !!!

Oh no, I've been found out! :huh:

You've been found out about a long time ago!
Thanks again for you know what......from the possum

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

​

 

[The Howling Wolves]

View attachment 80268
​

Now I have a headache!
Sharpen the darn saw please...

 

[The Howling Wolves]

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. In a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, this interview was over

 

[Thorsen]

wow. I wonder what Private Cosgrove is doing now.....

 

[The Howling Wolves]

wow. I wonder what Private Cosgrove is doing now.....

He's posting on Win 8 Forum!
That's where he is post to be!

 

[madtownidiot]

What's the definition of mixed feelings?



Seeing your mother-in-law back off of a cliff in your new car..

 

[BrightBlessings]

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.
The salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.
At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind salesman could tell exactly who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"
"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."

 

[ryo]

watch out.....!!!!

 

[CarlTR6]

watch out.....!!!!
View attachment 80393

It would take a GPS to navigate that!

 

[Arc]

watch out.....!!!!
View attachment 80393

Dont worry, ryo !!

All the roads approach to the God

 

[Borg 386]

A redneck driving down the road got pulled over by a cop.

The trooper walked up to him and said "Got any ID?"

The redneck asked "bout what?"

 

[elsuirad]

GHOSTS

If this is a re-post, kindly delete it.
*******************************************************************************
A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

'Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "Shit, from back there I thought you said Goats."

 

[noobvious]

If this is a re-post, kindly delete it.
*******************************************************************************
A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

'Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "Shit, from back there I thought you said Goats."

:roflmao:

 

[elsuirad]

Amisha Woman and her Daughter

Amisha Woman and her Daughter
‘Amisha’ – Bombay Woman or Lady
(again, if this is a re-post, admin may delete it. Thanks)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blistery day.

The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.'

The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.


The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.'

The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.'

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said, 'My nose is cold.'

The girl replied, 'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'

He did and warmed his nose.


The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, 'My penis is frozen solid.'

The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again,

and she asks, 'Have you ever heard of a penis?'

Concerned the mother said, 'Why yes..... why do you ask?'

The daughter replies, 'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!'

 

[ITChick]

:roflmao: that one made me laugh elsuirad! Here's one:

2 cannibals were munching on a clown
One cannibal says to the other one: Does this taste funny to you?