Jokes Thread

[DocBrown]

Subject: PRICELESS!!!


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> If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!
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> Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
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> On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
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> A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
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> The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
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> Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
:ar:

:ar:

:ar:

:ar:

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> From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's Pizza."

 

[derekimo]

Biggest tip he ever got! :roflmao:

 

[WindowsStar]

Subject: PRICELESS!!!


>
>
> If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!
>
>
>
>
>
> Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
>
>
>
> On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
>
>
>
> A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
>
>
>
> The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
>
>
>
> Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
:ar:

:ar:

:ar:

:ar:

>
>
> From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's Pizza."

Sounds just like my boss, he has done stuff just like that 5 times since I have known him. Once in front of a whole room of managers he did something like the above. He was so mad after the meeting because he made himself look sooooo stupid.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

This will bring a tear to your eye....

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director
to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or
friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky
back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and,
being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone
and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew
left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for
being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault
lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to
play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I
played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played
'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.They wept, I wept, we all wept
together.


When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my
head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never
seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for
twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost..

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

:roflmao:That is one smart guy :roflmao:

Joan we can't let these guys get away with all the crazy jokes they keep telling about us girls.!!!!!..lol

 

[Borg 386]

yipes

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Which one is the DUMMY!

 

[Dom]

Which one is the DUMMY!
View attachment 86262

2nd one

:roflmao:

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Which one is the DUMMY!
View attachment 86262

2nd one

:roflmao:

You win the prize!
The paper's are ready to send him to your country.
No refunds or return tickets will be granted.

 

[Dom]

Which one is the DUMMY!
View attachment 86262

2nd one

:roflmao:

You win the prize!
The paper's are ready to send him to your country.
No refunds or return tickets will be granted.

On seconds thoughts... I pick the first one...
What kinda prize is that!? He'll just bring sadness to Britain! Like it ain't sad enough already...

 

[The Howling Wolves]

2nd one

:roflmao:

You win the prize!
The paper's are ready to send him to your country.
No refunds or return tickets will be granted.

On seconds thoughts... I pick the first one...
What kinda prize is that!? He'll just bring sadness to Britain! Like it ain't sad enough already...

The prize is their brains are both made of wood!
Good for kindling and making fires to keep warm with.:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

Which one is the DUMMY!
View attachment 86262

LMAO! :roflmao:

 

[derekimo]

You win the prize!
The paper's are ready to send him to your country.
No refunds or return tickets will be granted.

On seconds thoughts... I pick the first one...
What kinda prize is that!? He'll just bring sadness to Britain! Like it ain't sad enough already...

The prize is their brains are both made of wood!
Good for kindling and making fires to keep warm with.:roflmao::roflmao:

:roflmao:

 

[BrightBlessings]

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart and no spine, and the head and arse are interchangeable."

 

[gladson1976]

Eve's Little Secret

This is dedicated to LPT and Joan

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God…
“Lord, I have a problem!”
“What’s the problem, Eve?”
“Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”
“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.
“Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples.”
“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”
“What’s a ‘man’, Lord?”
“This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat,and be vain glorious; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But, he’ll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly sometimes and he’ll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be too smart, so he’ll also need your advice to think properly.
“Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
“What’s the catch, Lord?”
“Yeah, well…. you can have him on one condition.”
“What’s that, Lord?”
“As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring…So you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first…So, just remember… it’s a secret…

 

[gladson1976]

The Perfect Man and the Elf

This is again dedicated to LPT and Joan

There was a perfect man and a perfect woman.
They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children.
One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in their perfect car,
They saw an elf by the side of the road, and being the perfect people they were, they picked him up.
As the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with the elf, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and one lived.

Who died and who lived?
The perfect woman lived;
Everyone knows that perfect man and elves are imaginary and don't exist.

 

[steve-pressman]

Noddy is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 35 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take you old mate Milton, and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Noddy, "Milton's a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three", says Noddy's wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Noddy heads off to the golf course with Milton. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to Milton and says, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replied Milton. "I have perfect eyesight".
"Where did it go?" says Noddy.

"I don't remember."

 

[mickey megabyte]

Noddy is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 35 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I can't see where it went." ....

Old Age Golf



Arthur is 90 years old.

He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball,I can't see where it went." ...

 

[Kirsch]

Noddy is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 35 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I can't see where it went." ....

Old Age Golf



Arthur is 90 years old.

He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball,I can't see where it went." ...

LOL Mickey!! Could not have picked a better picture for that!! Wish I could rep you there :roflmao::roflmao:

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Quick Check for Alzheimer's (I am still okay wow wwwww )

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!


1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9 This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12 This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from
the top down
:roflmao::roflmao: